Hold on
by pamy
Summary: He remembers Bella holding his hand. He clung to it as if his life depended on it, some kind of connection to the world. She held him in place then. Loss is a part of live, so is grieve.


_**This idea came from rewatching season 5 of Angel. Specifically 'a hole in the world' and 'Shell's. This is what my imagination made of it. The sentences in italics are all a part of a converstation between Illyria and Wesley in the episode Shells, season 5 from Angel. **_

**_Don't own anything. Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. Angel belogns to Joss Whendon. _**

* * *

'_We cling to what is gone. Is there anything in this live but Grieve?' Illyria _

_

* * *

_He can't actually remember his mum, he has tried to, but he can't. He _knows _several things about her, his father and sisters have told him many stories, but he doesn't have _actual memories_ of her. He appreciates the stories, but it's not really the same as actually remembering his mum. He can't remember the way her voice sounded, or her smile, or anything else about her. He _wants _to, but he simply _can't. _He doesn't know why or how, but there is one thing ( he's not actually sure if it's real, or if he dreamed it up, he doesn't care to find out ), it's just one specific moment.

He remembers her holding him.

He doesn't know why, or if it ever actually happened, but he remembers the way it felt to be held by a mother. It's all he has, all he knows, and he's not even really sure if that moment was _ever there. _But it doesn't matter, because he can _almost _feel it. That single moment, that fleeting second, it's all he has; but in a way that single moment, that simple second in his life is the most important thing he has. It's better, more vivid, than any of the stories anyone has ever told him.

Because he can actually (almost) remember it.

* * *

He remembers how it all ended ( the knock on the door, the broken look in his father's eyes, his sisters crying, everything ), he doesn't remember it all, more like specific moments, images. He didn't understand (still doesn't understand) why it happened, or even what was happening at all; but he did know that she was never coming back. That it was permanent, that he would never have the luxury of remembering her, of knowing her. He remembers watching as they lowered her body in the ground, and thinking _how could she live in such a small space?_ He didn't understand, still doesn't, never will.

He doesn't think anyone ever does.

He can't remember much more of the funeral, can't remember who was there. He _knows _who was there, but he has no memories of it. It's not as if he actually spends time trying to remember, and he doesn't actually care to know either. What he does remember is clinging onto Bella's hand. As if she could keep him grounded, keep him ( in some way ) connected to the world, keep him here. It's strange, and he doesn't know why he remembers her but he does. He thinks it might be because she wasn't actually a part of the story, she wasn't really connected to the world his mom lived in.

It was something to cling onto, something to hold.

He held onto her hand as if his life depended on it, and perhaps in some way it did. He was so young and so scared, afraid that if she would let go of him he'd be lost. That he'd lose the past and the future and the present, and he can't actually explain it to anyone ( not even himself ), but he needed that at that moment.

He doesn't understand why, it's not like it really matters.

* * *

When his sister's leave his whole world shatters. It's not like they really get along, and he's been looking forward to it for months. But at the same time he's been dreading it, because in some way they are all he has of his mom. They're a clear connection, the proof that she was actually ever there. He needed that, more than he actually needed freedom from his sisters. He's older than he was when his mum died, but that doesn't mean he's not scared anymore.

He's afraid they will disappear, just like his mum, and never come back.

Sarah must have seen it in his eyes or something, because she promises it will all be alright. She doesn't sound like she's making fun of him, she sounds like she's actually concerned (it's what scares him the most). But she promises him that it will all be alright, that they are a family, that they won't disappear, that they'll always be there. It's not the same thing, she says, it's a goodbye, but a different kind of goodbye.

She leaves without looking back, he holds onto that though.

A couple of days later there's a postcard in the mail, prove that they are somewhere out there. Jake has never loved his big sister more than in that specific moment.

* * *

Years later, outside of the Swan residence, he's about to lose again ( and he doesn't think he can stand it ). Bella sits in the car, and he looks at her, willing her to stay. He remembers the moment he said goodbye to his sisters, there was a small part of him that wanted him to beg them to stay, he didn't because begging is desperate. But he is desperate now, and he can't lose Bella, he simply can't So he begs, and she simply says goodbye Jake, and then she's gone.

Gone, just like his mum, just like his sisters, gone.

He stands there, shaking, and he feels like he's lost his connection. In some unconscious way he's been holding on to Bella all this year, to that hand. That hand that kept him connected to the world ( the world his mum lived in ) and at the same time connected him to a world she didn't live him. She kept him grounded, in some way. But now she's gone, and he's lost her, and he can't hold onto her anymore. He feels like he's lost, spiraling out of control, losing his direction. And he doesn't know how to get it back, there's no one to help him.

Everyone he knows is completely connected; nobody can save him from this pain.

Nobody can help him this time.

* * *

'_There's love. There's hope – for some. There's hope that you'll find something worthy.'_

_

* * *

_If there's one thing that he has learned over the years, is that hope is the most destructive of all feelings. It hurts and destroys, but you can't stop hoping because that's even worse. After everything that has happened ( all he has lost ), he still hopes. He hopes Bella will come home alive, that in some way she will come back to him, take his hand and let him hold onto her again. That in some way she will realize she loves him, he hopes she doesn't die.

He doesn't know what's worse, losing or hoping.

He doesn't cry, hasn't cried since his mother died. He can't remember who was there, or much about the funeral, but he does remember what he felt. And this pain is absolutely nothing compared to that one, but in a way it's more than he can handle. He barely had her, barely was able to hold onto her, and then suddenly she was gone. And he was spiraling out of control, completely lost to the world. Not even his brothers could help him, not that they tried, not that they knew how.

He supposes it's all a part of live.

Loss, grieve, hope, pain.

* * *

'_That your live will lead you to some joy. That after everything, you can still be surprised.' _

_

* * *

_His mum could never return, he had lost her and she can't return. No matter how hard he cries, no matter how much he begs, no matter what he offers in exchange. She can't come back. His sister's are also gone, but they can return. They just won't do it, they are having to much fun in the outside world, to much good luck out there. He can never go out there, no matter how hard he wishes.

Bella can return, Bella does return, after a couple of days.

She's suddenly there, and he just stands there staring at her. He can't react, can't even move, can't even say a thing. He stands there and stares, but she doesn't do any of that. She runs to him and hugs him, and he's simply surprised. She has never initiated contact like this before. But she clings onto him, and he holds her, because if he can feel her that must mean she's real. He doesn't understand why she's back, nor what happened, and definitely not what will happen in the future, but he knows she's there in that moment in his arms and that's all that matters.

He lost, but she came back to him, in the end that's all he'll remember about this time in his live.

That she came back.

* * *

It's a part of life, pain that is, loss. There is not a person out there that has not lost someone they love ( in some way ), someone they knew. Some of them can come back, some of them can't. Some of them actually return, some of them stay away. Loss and Grieve are connected, you can't have one of them without the other. It's all a part of life and it can't be changed. It's just the way it is, and he has to accept it, he might not understand much about life. But he knows it's all a part of it.

Hope is also a part of life, it's what makes it all alright.

That and holding Bella in his arms, knowing that she's back where she belongs, where she's safe.

* * *

'_Is that enough? Is that enough to live on?'_


End file.
